L's school had a Color Run yesterday. For a few weeks prior the students collected pledges and yesterday was the big run. I've seen this at other schools before, but they were always put on by an organization; this one was put on through the PTA. L was super excited because at her old school only 5th grade got to run through the color but here all the grades did. I saw what time L's grade was going and thought maybe I'd go to watch. I realized I have pictures of M from her Color Run (in fifth grade at our old school. I don't have any of B because they didn't do the Color Run back then) and I knew I'd be upset if I didn't get any of L.
I walked into the office to check in as a visitor and then I walked to the field where it was taking place. As I was walking to the Visitor's Area I glanced out at the field and saw all the PTA Moms covered in color and talking with each other.
"Oh," I thought. "I know how they feel." I knew they were exhausted, sweaty, and happy. I know that while they had been there all day, they also absolutely loved seeing every child have a great time. I knew that while they were happy, they were also looking forward to the last 2 grades so they could collect their children, go home, shower, and collapse. I know they probably told their husbands that morning that tonight would be an order in night, or a fend for yourself night because they were going to be too tired to do anything else. I know because I used to be that Mom.
I felt a pang of guilt as I found a place for myself in the Visitors Area. I couldn't help but feel that I should have been out on that field. I should have been dirty and sweaty too. When we first discovered we would be moving, I told everyone I was going to jump in and volunteer at every event because it's a great way to make friends.
In the past, when people would ask what I did I'd reply, "I'm a professional volunteer." It certainly felt that way with the amount of time I spent volunteering in my daughters' elementary school. I loved it. I loved being with the kids, with the teachers, with the office staff, and with my friends. I was exhausted, but I was also exhilarated and I thought I would do it forever. That all changed last year.
I took on a much bigger role in the PTO and I was super excited to do so. After a month, I started thinking maybe it was a mistake because I was seeing things I didn't want to see but I was convinced to stay on. After 3 months, I knew I needed to get out, but I couldn't and by the end of the year, not only was I burnt out, but I was broken. People I thought were my friends turned out not to be and friendships I thought I had built turned out to be fake. I was so thankful I was moving because I didn't know how I'd step foot in that school again. It was bad. Really bad.
In addition to that, I lost myself last year. I stopped running, I stopped cleaning, I stopped reading, I stopped trying not to yell. I was so busy with other people, I forgot to take care of myself. I realized afterwards that I wasn't happy at all. Looking back at the school year, I realized I wasn't happy for the majority of it.
I knew I needed a break and I figured a new school was the perfect place to get that break. For the first time in years, I wasn't Room Mom. I didn't even apply to be, which surprised quite a few people. "I'm in a new school," I explained. "I can't come in when I don't know how they run things." I put down that I would help at class parties, but so far there haven't been any.
I said I would volunteer during L's time at the Fall Book Fair and the old me came out. I went every day and loved every minute. I was asked to run the Book Fair for next year and I told them I'd consider it, but I'm still not sure.
I signed up to volunteer in the Media Center once a week, but I quickly backed out of that. After the first 2 times I realized that while I was in the Media Center for the 2 hours, I was thinking about everything that I needed (or wanted) to be doing. I figured if I wanted to be happy, I needed to put me first and that meant not committing to volunteering even 2 hours a week.
I have felt pretty good all year. I love having time during the day to do what I want (even though it's mostly spent cleaning and doing laundry). I love not being stressed every morning that I have to rush to the elementary school or that I have to oversee an event and yet I still feel guilty.
As I was watching the PTA Moms yesterday I realized I'm no longer a Professional Volunteer and I felt a pang of sadness. I'm a very all or none person. I always have been and that's always been my biggest problem. If I can't do it all, I do nothing. I know there has to be a happy medium.
L was so sad at the beginning of the year when she realized I wasn't going to be in school this year like I was last year, but she got over it pretty quickly. I'm still trying to find my place. It's still weird for me to be at a school event as a parent and not as a volunteer but while I feel guilty in that moment, I don't feel an urge to sign up when the Sign Up Genius links are sent to me.
Maybe I need to learn to that it's OK if only volunteer a little bit or maybe I need to learn it's OK if I don't volunteer at all. I'm happier this year than I've been in years past and that's probably the most important thing. So, I'm not a professional volunteer anymore but I am a happy Mom. That seems like a pretty good role to me!
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