L's school had a Color Run yesterday. For a few weeks prior the students collected pledges and yesterday was the big run. I've seen this at other schools before, but they were always put on by an organization; this one was put on through the PTA. L was super excited because at her old school only 5th grade got to run through the color but here all the grades did. I saw what time L's grade was going and thought maybe I'd go to watch. I realized I have pictures of M from her Color Run (in fifth grade at our old school. I don't have any of B because they didn't do the Color Run back then) and I knew I'd be upset if I didn't get any of L.
I walked into the office to check in as a visitor and then I walked to the field where it was taking place. As I was walking to the Visitor's Area I glanced out at the field and saw all the PTA Moms covered in color and talking with each other.
"Oh," I thought. "I know how they feel." I knew they were exhausted, sweaty, and happy. I know that while they had been there all day, they also absolutely loved seeing every child have a great time. I knew that while they were happy, they were also looking forward to the last 2 grades so they could collect their children, go home, shower, and collapse. I know they probably told their husbands that morning that tonight would be an order in night, or a fend for yourself night because they were going to be too tired to do anything else. I know because I used to be that Mom.
I felt a pang of guilt as I found a place for myself in the Visitors Area. I couldn't help but feel that I should have been out on that field. I should have been dirty and sweaty too. When we first discovered we would be moving, I told everyone I was going to jump in and volunteer at every event because it's a great way to make friends.
In the past, when people would ask what I did I'd reply, "I'm a professional volunteer." It certainly felt that way with the amount of time I spent volunteering in my daughters' elementary school. I loved it. I loved being with the kids, with the teachers, with the office staff, and with my friends. I was exhausted, but I was also exhilarated and I thought I would do it forever. That all changed last year.
I took on a much bigger role in the PTO and I was super excited to do so. After a month, I started thinking maybe it was a mistake because I was seeing things I didn't want to see but I was convinced to stay on. After 3 months, I knew I needed to get out, but I couldn't and by the end of the year, not only was I burnt out, but I was broken. People I thought were my friends turned out not to be and friendships I thought I had built turned out to be fake. I was so thankful I was moving because I didn't know how I'd step foot in that school again. It was bad. Really bad.
In addition to that, I lost myself last year. I stopped running, I stopped cleaning, I stopped reading, I stopped trying not to yell. I was so busy with other people, I forgot to take care of myself. I realized afterwards that I wasn't happy at all. Looking back at the school year, I realized I wasn't happy for the majority of it.
I knew I needed a break and I figured a new school was the perfect place to get that break. For the first time in years, I wasn't Room Mom. I didn't even apply to be, which surprised quite a few people. "I'm in a new school," I explained. "I can't come in when I don't know how they run things." I put down that I would help at class parties, but so far there haven't been any.
I said I would volunteer during L's time at the Fall Book Fair and the old me came out. I went every day and loved every minute. I was asked to run the Book Fair for next year and I told them I'd consider it, but I'm still not sure.
I signed up to volunteer in the Media Center once a week, but I quickly backed out of that. After the first 2 times I realized that while I was in the Media Center for the 2 hours, I was thinking about everything that I needed (or wanted) to be doing. I figured if I wanted to be happy, I needed to put me first and that meant not committing to volunteering even 2 hours a week.
I have felt pretty good all year. I love having time during the day to do what I want (even though it's mostly spent cleaning and doing laundry). I love not being stressed every morning that I have to rush to the elementary school or that I have to oversee an event and yet I still feel guilty.
As I was watching the PTA Moms yesterday I realized I'm no longer a Professional Volunteer and I felt a pang of sadness. I'm a very all or none person. I always have been and that's always been my biggest problem. If I can't do it all, I do nothing. I know there has to be a happy medium.
L was so sad at the beginning of the year when she realized I wasn't going to be in school this year like I was last year, but she got over it pretty quickly. I'm still trying to find my place. It's still weird for me to be at a school event as a parent and not as a volunteer but while I feel guilty in that moment, I don't feel an urge to sign up when the Sign Up Genius links are sent to me.
Maybe I need to learn to that it's OK if only volunteer a little bit or maybe I need to learn it's OK if I don't volunteer at all. I'm happier this year than I've been in years past and that's probably the most important thing. So, I'm not a professional volunteer anymore but I am a happy Mom. That seems like a pretty good role to me!
Saturday, February 16, 2019
Thursday, December 27, 2018
2019: The Year of I'll Try
2018 started with a rocky start. The Doctor was laid off towards the end of 2017 and we weren't sure what 2018 had in store for us. He interviewed for a job several hundred miles away and I'll never forget how I was out to lunch with one of my soul sisters in the very beginning of January when I got the phone call from The Doctor that he was on his way home with a contract in hand.
"You aren't really going to move to O, are you?" S asked with tears in her eyes.
"I don't know," I replied. "I mean they loved him, but he has a few more interviews for jobs down here."
We all know how that turned out and while the big move was the scariest thing we did in 2018, it was also probably the best thing we did. It threw all of my plans into a spin, though. I didn't really get to do the organizational challenge I wanted to do. My No Yelling challenge went out the window and my running and better eating became virtually nonexistent. For about 5 months everything was up in the air and we were displaced. The one thing I was able to do was try to be a more joyful and happy person, so it wasn't all a loss, but for a few months it felt like that was a lost cause too.
A few weeks ago we were out to dinner with the entire family and M and L were bickering. I raised my voice and brother-in-law turned to me and said, "Time to reset your counter, CGM. That's ok, the end of the year is coming and you'll be writing about how this is the year you are going to stop yelling for good." I laughed and replied, "You know me so well!"
Since that night I've been doing a lot of thinking and I've figured out why every year starts off the same for me. I look at the new year as a fresh start. I can do whatever I want to try to become a better person. I think I'm a pretty great wife, Mom, and person, but I also think there is always room for improvement. Instead of making resolutions, I'm going to set goals and hopefully this will be the year they stick.
I looked back on my late 2017 blog posts and vaguely remember writing them. At the time, moving wasn't a certainty and I was focused on being happier. Over all, I'd say I am happier now than I was then, so that's a win. However, yelling less, running more, and eating healthier didn't happen.
Sometimes I wish I could be the type of person who looks at me right now and says, "This is me. I'm good with how I am right now." That's not me, though. Is it because I'm a perfectionist and I feel that there is a more perfect version of myself to be had? I hope not because if that's the case, I'm always going to feel like I've come up short and that certainly isn't a key to being happy.
I think my goals need to be that I at least try. Like I always tell the girls when it comes to their schoolwork, "I'll always be proud of you if you at least try, even if it doesn't always work out."
My "I'll Try" list for 2019:
I will try to not yell as much
I will try to make my life more organized
I will try to fit in more exercise and more water
I will try to be happy with the person I see looking back at me when I look in the mirror
I will try to write more often
Come to think of it, I've also been known to quote Yoda to the girls when I feel like the words "I'll try" are an excuse ("I'll try to remember to clean my room/do my chores/listen to you") but thankfully I'm not a Jedi so in my case, it's "Do or Do Not, as long as you try".
"You aren't really going to move to O, are you?" S asked with tears in her eyes.
"I don't know," I replied. "I mean they loved him, but he has a few more interviews for jobs down here."
We all know how that turned out and while the big move was the scariest thing we did in 2018, it was also probably the best thing we did. It threw all of my plans into a spin, though. I didn't really get to do the organizational challenge I wanted to do. My No Yelling challenge went out the window and my running and better eating became virtually nonexistent. For about 5 months everything was up in the air and we were displaced. The one thing I was able to do was try to be a more joyful and happy person, so it wasn't all a loss, but for a few months it felt like that was a lost cause too.
A few weeks ago we were out to dinner with the entire family and M and L were bickering. I raised my voice and brother-in-law turned to me and said, "Time to reset your counter, CGM. That's ok, the end of the year is coming and you'll be writing about how this is the year you are going to stop yelling for good." I laughed and replied, "You know me so well!"
Since that night I've been doing a lot of thinking and I've figured out why every year starts off the same for me. I look at the new year as a fresh start. I can do whatever I want to try to become a better person. I think I'm a pretty great wife, Mom, and person, but I also think there is always room for improvement. Instead of making resolutions, I'm going to set goals and hopefully this will be the year they stick.
I looked back on my late 2017 blog posts and vaguely remember writing them. At the time, moving wasn't a certainty and I was focused on being happier. Over all, I'd say I am happier now than I was then, so that's a win. However, yelling less, running more, and eating healthier didn't happen.
Sometimes I wish I could be the type of person who looks at me right now and says, "This is me. I'm good with how I am right now." That's not me, though. Is it because I'm a perfectionist and I feel that there is a more perfect version of myself to be had? I hope not because if that's the case, I'm always going to feel like I've come up short and that certainly isn't a key to being happy.
I think my goals need to be that I at least try. Like I always tell the girls when it comes to their schoolwork, "I'll always be proud of you if you at least try, even if it doesn't always work out."
My "I'll Try" list for 2019:
I will try to not yell as much
I will try to make my life more organized
I will try to fit in more exercise and more water
I will try to be happy with the person I see looking back at me when I look in the mirror
I will try to write more often
Come to think of it, I've also been known to quote Yoda to the girls when I feel like the words "I'll try" are an excuse ("I'll try to remember to clean my room/do my chores/listen to you") but thankfully I'm not a Jedi so in my case, it's "Do or Do Not, as long as you try".
Friday, August 24, 2018
Change Isn't So Scary After All
I am happy to announce that we are on the other side of our big move! When I last left you M and I were getting ready to start our move, while B and L were still down south with my parents. I was scared- we were all scared, except The Doctor who had already been through the move. I wanted the Curly Girly Trio to write notes to their future selves to open next July, but I was so scared this would be an awful experience and it would backfire.
M and I talked about a lot of things on our drive up but we tried not to talk about how sad and scared we were. We had a grand time in Chicago, but every day M would say to me, "I'm a little scared about our move." We would talk about how sad we were to be leaving our friends and family, but we also talked about how things would work out.
"Imagine if this is the best experience we've ever had," I told her one day. "We are going to be saying how happy we are we made this move." We got home from Chicago and my parents drove up with B and L. The very next day, B started Marching Band Camp. That was when I knew this move was the right thing.
I knew nothing about Marching Band Camp, but I was in a Facebook Group for the band and posted a litany of questions. One Mom responded with "Call me and I'll fill you in" and provided her cell phone number. Normally, I'd shy away from calling a perfect stranger, but I knew this was for the benefit of B, so I took a deep breath, made the call and had a great conversation.
We ran around getting everything B needed and I took her to the high school. I walked her in and my heart warmed to see her welcomed by so many kids. I knew she was going to love it.
Later that week, I was at the high school dropping off dinner for B and one of the Band Moms came over to me and said, "Look, B made a friend!" I looked over and saw B sitting next to another girl. They were eating and in deep conversation. My heart melted as I saw all of B's (and my) worst fears vanish.
During the next week, I met the Mom of B's friend and was excited to see if a friendship would blossom (it has!). Every road I drove on, everyone I met, it just felt right.
We closed on our beautiful house; this house that feels like it was hand picked for us. I knew it was the right house because it made me smile the minute I stepped foot in it. The movers came with our things and immediately this house felt like home, even amidst all of the boxes, and boy were there a lot of boxes.
We met a few neighbors and we went back to school shopping. Everyone we met, from the neighbors, to the Target employees and even the people who work at drive through restaurants were nice. We kept commenting on how this area isn't just nice because of the scenery, but because of the people.
We toured the girls' schools and met their teachers and we loved it all. After meeting M's teachers, she said to me, "I think you should have had us write those letters. Based on everything so far, I think this move was the perfect thing for us." I have to agree.
We have now been here for close to a month and I'm happy to report we are all happy! B loves high school (I still can't believe I have a high schooler and I fully admit I cried watching her get on the bus on the first day of school). She loves her classes, her teachers, Marching Band and the fact that she is able to eat lunch with her friend every day. She has made a friend in the neighborhood, who is in one of her classes and rides the bus with her.
M mostly likes middle school. Out of the 3, she has had a rough time adjusting to a new school schedule. Her schedule changed 3 times in as many days and she had a tough time making friends, but she's slowly getting there. She came home a few days ago and told us she has a friend on the bus and she's becoming friendlier with some of her classmates. I told her friendships usually don't pop up over night, they take time to bloom.
L loves her school and her teachers. She has 2, one for Science and Math and one for Language Arts and Social Studies, and then, of course, her Specials teachers. She made a friend on the first day of school and has since made a few more. All of her fears of not having any friends and not fitting in were for naught.
I am becoming friendly with the neighborhood Moms and I am so excited that B's friend's Mom and I have already been to the movies together, shopped at Target together and have gone out to lunch. She and I have a lot in common and it's so nice having someone to meet up with.
I am absolutely in love with our new city. I love everything about it and I find myself smiling as I drive down streets that became familiar in just mere days. I love our community and the people in it and I absolutely love our home.
I still miss things about where we came from. I miss our friends, my parents, and the wonderful bagel shop, but honestly, that's about it. This new town has welcomed us with open arms and we truly feel as though this is where we belong.
I have since decided change isn't the scary part. Change is actually quite exciting. The scary part is the not knowing how all the change will work out in the end.
Friday, July 13, 2018
Goodbye Isn't Forever
I've been toying with this blog entry for a few days now and as I was getting ready to type it out I noticed my previous post negates this one, but in this case goodbye isn't forever, so the title stands.
As previously blogged, The Doctor moved to our new location 4 months ago. The Curly Girly Trio and I have been living with my parents, seeing The Doctor, on average, every other week. It hasn't been easy, but we knew the end was in sight.
The end for M and me is tomorrow! We are driving up with a carload of stuff (it's amazing how much we accumulated in 4 months, though I think it's just we didn't pack light enough when we first moved in), including M's gerbil, Oreo. We are going up early because we are accompanying The Doctor on a business trip. B and L are staying with my parents and they'll drive them up next Sunday. I have so many emotions running around in my head, it's hard to know what to feel.
Excited: I am super excited for our new adventure! The schools the curly girlies will be in are fantastic, we are moving into a lovely neighborhood, we will be closer to The Doctor's family, we are moving to a place where there is so much more to do.
Scared: I am scared because change is scary. What If's keep rolling around my brain and while I'm trying to squelch them, it's not the easiest thing. What if the girls hate school? What if they have a hard time making friends? What if I have a hard time making friends? What if I end up not loving the house?
Sad: I am so, so sad. I have lived near my parents for the last 12 years. We have had dinner with them every Sunday night for the last 12 years. My Mom and I have met for lunch and shopping on a whims notice. My Dad has come for dinner every Wednesday for the last 3 years. We have gone to countless hockey games and movies with my Dad. I am going to miss all of this so much. We are still going to see them, but it won't be the same. I won't ever pull into the Target parking lot and see my Mom's car and feel happy that I'm going to bump into her. It's sad.
I'm sad because I'm going to miss my friends. I have great friends. Seeing them at school, bumping into them in stores, going out for breakfasts and lunches, stopping by for impromptu visits. I am going to miss my very favorite bagel place and the wonderful owners, servers, and staff, all whom have become friends. I'm going to miss the bagels, but I'm going to miss the friends more.
I'm sad because the girls are leaving their friends. I know it's not easy for them, especially when they figured they'd be going to school with them forever. B and M have phones and B is on 2 social media platforms. I think I must be the only parent in the universe to tell my child to go on to social media because it still doesn't occur to her to do so and I really do feel that's going to be a good way to keep in touch with everyone. She and M text and FaceTime, but truthfully B is the worst at returning text messages and I am worried she's going to lose contact. I keep telling her she has to make an effort and she says she will, but she'd rather walk around the dining room table with her earbuds in, zoned out, than text.
L has an iPod and has exchanged her Apple ID with a bunch of her friends, so she's able to text and FaceTime, but not all of her friends have iPods so the only way to keep in touch is through the Moms.
We said our goodbyes this week and it hurts me because we weren't able to see everyone we wanted too. I made sure B and M had time with their best friends and sadly because of that L got pushed to the side and she pointed out to me this morning she didn't get to see her 2 best friends. She saw them in the last few months, but I know it's not the same.
The Doctor says I'm making too big a deal of this and I know he's right. In front of the girls I am keeping an upbeat attitude. I am telling them this is an amazing adventure we are about to embark on. We have so many friends we haven't met yet. This is going to be great!
In private I am teary eyed and sad. Saying goodbye is so hard. Today we had our last hair appointments with my super amazing stylist. She's been doing my hair for years and she is just awesome. Saying goodbye to her was so hard, but I told her if I can't find anyone as good in our new area, I'm coming back every 6 weeks.
For the past 12 years, my Mom's housekeeper has been our housekeeper. She was my Mom's housekeeper when I was in high school, so she's truly seen me blossom from messy teen to tidy Mom. She has watched my girls grow up. She isn't just a housekeeper, she's family. We said goodbye to her this morning and all of us cried. Sure, we'll see her when we come for visits during school breaks and we are visiting during the week, but it won't be the same at all.
I think I need to let myself be sad. I always tell people who are sad because of something or someone they've lost that they need to have time to grieve. I actually told that to my Mom a few months ago when we were talking about my leaving. I told her I grieved already, but much like the grieving process, it's fluid and stages can come and go at any time. It sounds funny saying I'm grieving because of a move, but it's just the fact that I'm losing the life we've made for ourselves down here.
Looking back, I can see I've gone through all the stages of DABDA except for acceptance. Up until even last week I kept thinking perhaps we will end up not moving, but I know that's not realistic because The Doctor is 4 months into his new job and he loves it (and they love him).
The Doctor says I have dragged this out for way too long and I can see how he has a point. Waiting until the very last minute before I have to be up there might not have been the best idea. I was putting off the inevitable but I wasn't doing any mental work to prepare myself for the actual move. In putting it off, all I've done is make it harder on myself.
I had breakfast today with a wonderful friend (at my favorite breakfast place). E is phenomenal because she is so levelheaded and always says exactly the right thing. I was telling her how I felt and she pointed out that this is the best possible thing for our family. She told me I am going to love unpacking and setting up our new house the way I want it, and I know she's right. I am almost certain a month or 2 into our new home, we are going to feel like this is how it's always been.
I have already been through denial, anger, and bargaining (I actually told The Doctor, "If we move, we are getting a dog" because I've always said no dog until L goes to college. At the time, I figured if I said it, we wouldn't move. I am now making good on my bargain and have been researching the perfect dog for us.); I've felt depression and now I have got to get to acceptance. I have told the girls repeatedly that our attitudes will dictate how this change turns out for us. If we are sad and refusing to let go of the past, this will be awful. If we are excited for the change and embrace all the newness with open arms, this will end up being an amazing experience.
We are moving. It will be different, but it will be wonderful. We will still see our friends and my parents and our lives will be better for this. I guess this is my new mantra until it becomes my reality.
As previously blogged, The Doctor moved to our new location 4 months ago. The Curly Girly Trio and I have been living with my parents, seeing The Doctor, on average, every other week. It hasn't been easy, but we knew the end was in sight.
The end for M and me is tomorrow! We are driving up with a carload of stuff (it's amazing how much we accumulated in 4 months, though I think it's just we didn't pack light enough when we first moved in), including M's gerbil, Oreo. We are going up early because we are accompanying The Doctor on a business trip. B and L are staying with my parents and they'll drive them up next Sunday. I have so many emotions running around in my head, it's hard to know what to feel.
Excited: I am super excited for our new adventure! The schools the curly girlies will be in are fantastic, we are moving into a lovely neighborhood, we will be closer to The Doctor's family, we are moving to a place where there is so much more to do.
Scared: I am scared because change is scary. What If's keep rolling around my brain and while I'm trying to squelch them, it's not the easiest thing. What if the girls hate school? What if they have a hard time making friends? What if I have a hard time making friends? What if I end up not loving the house?
Sad: I am so, so sad. I have lived near my parents for the last 12 years. We have had dinner with them every Sunday night for the last 12 years. My Mom and I have met for lunch and shopping on a whims notice. My Dad has come for dinner every Wednesday for the last 3 years. We have gone to countless hockey games and movies with my Dad. I am going to miss all of this so much. We are still going to see them, but it won't be the same. I won't ever pull into the Target parking lot and see my Mom's car and feel happy that I'm going to bump into her. It's sad.
I'm sad because I'm going to miss my friends. I have great friends. Seeing them at school, bumping into them in stores, going out for breakfasts and lunches, stopping by for impromptu visits. I am going to miss my very favorite bagel place and the wonderful owners, servers, and staff, all whom have become friends. I'm going to miss the bagels, but I'm going to miss the friends more.
I'm sad because the girls are leaving their friends. I know it's not easy for them, especially when they figured they'd be going to school with them forever. B and M have phones and B is on 2 social media platforms. I think I must be the only parent in the universe to tell my child to go on to social media because it still doesn't occur to her to do so and I really do feel that's going to be a good way to keep in touch with everyone. She and M text and FaceTime, but truthfully B is the worst at returning text messages and I am worried she's going to lose contact. I keep telling her she has to make an effort and she says she will, but she'd rather walk around the dining room table with her earbuds in, zoned out, than text.
L has an iPod and has exchanged her Apple ID with a bunch of her friends, so she's able to text and FaceTime, but not all of her friends have iPods so the only way to keep in touch is through the Moms.
We said our goodbyes this week and it hurts me because we weren't able to see everyone we wanted too. I made sure B and M had time with their best friends and sadly because of that L got pushed to the side and she pointed out to me this morning she didn't get to see her 2 best friends. She saw them in the last few months, but I know it's not the same.
The Doctor says I'm making too big a deal of this and I know he's right. In front of the girls I am keeping an upbeat attitude. I am telling them this is an amazing adventure we are about to embark on. We have so many friends we haven't met yet. This is going to be great!
In private I am teary eyed and sad. Saying goodbye is so hard. Today we had our last hair appointments with my super amazing stylist. She's been doing my hair for years and she is just awesome. Saying goodbye to her was so hard, but I told her if I can't find anyone as good in our new area, I'm coming back every 6 weeks.
For the past 12 years, my Mom's housekeeper has been our housekeeper. She was my Mom's housekeeper when I was in high school, so she's truly seen me blossom from messy teen to tidy Mom. She has watched my girls grow up. She isn't just a housekeeper, she's family. We said goodbye to her this morning and all of us cried. Sure, we'll see her when we come for visits during school breaks and we are visiting during the week, but it won't be the same at all.
I think I need to let myself be sad. I always tell people who are sad because of something or someone they've lost that they need to have time to grieve. I actually told that to my Mom a few months ago when we were talking about my leaving. I told her I grieved already, but much like the grieving process, it's fluid and stages can come and go at any time. It sounds funny saying I'm grieving because of a move, but it's just the fact that I'm losing the life we've made for ourselves down here.
Looking back, I can see I've gone through all the stages of DABDA except for acceptance. Up until even last week I kept thinking perhaps we will end up not moving, but I know that's not realistic because The Doctor is 4 months into his new job and he loves it (and they love him).
The Doctor says I have dragged this out for way too long and I can see how he has a point. Waiting until the very last minute before I have to be up there might not have been the best idea. I was putting off the inevitable but I wasn't doing any mental work to prepare myself for the actual move. In putting it off, all I've done is make it harder on myself.
I had breakfast today with a wonderful friend (at my favorite breakfast place). E is phenomenal because she is so levelheaded and always says exactly the right thing. I was telling her how I felt and she pointed out that this is the best possible thing for our family. She told me I am going to love unpacking and setting up our new house the way I want it, and I know she's right. I am almost certain a month or 2 into our new home, we are going to feel like this is how it's always been.
I have already been through denial, anger, and bargaining (I actually told The Doctor, "If we move, we are getting a dog" because I've always said no dog until L goes to college. At the time, I figured if I said it, we wouldn't move. I am now making good on my bargain and have been researching the perfect dog for us.); I've felt depression and now I have got to get to acceptance. I have told the girls repeatedly that our attitudes will dictate how this change turns out for us. If we are sad and refusing to let go of the past, this will be awful. If we are excited for the change and embrace all the newness with open arms, this will end up being an amazing experience.
We are moving. It will be different, but it will be wonderful. We will still see our friends and my parents and our lives will be better for this. I guess this is my new mantra until it becomes my reality.
Wednesday, May 30, 2018
Goodbye, my friend.
This story starts 17 years ago, when I was newly engaged and joined a message board for brides to be. I was living in MI, no family around and I was so new to town I hadn't yet made friends. I became friends with "The Knotties". I didn't know any of them in person, but a few of us became close within the message boards. A few years later, shortly after I had B, I received an email from a Knottie. She told me she was starting a new, smaller message board and invited me to be part of it.
This message board, ML, was a life saver. I was still in MI, The Doctor and I were blissfully married and I was excited to be a new Mommy, but I was alone. I had no friends with newborns, my family was in FL and The Doctor was working resident hours. I turned to these ladies for everything. Our friendship blossomed from just strangers on a message board to real friends. Not all of us have had the opportunity to meet each other, but we all knew what was going on with each other. We got it. When one was having a problem with breast feeding, or tantrums, or sleepless nights, or scared to be adding a second, we were there. We used to say how nice it would be if we could develop a tube system so if one of us was out of peanut butter, another could just stick her extra jar in the tube. We joked about starting a commune, where we all raised each others kids.
Through the years, we got to know one another more. We were there for births of our babies, divorces, remarriages, and sadly deaths of loved ones. We were a support like no other and save for my sister from another mister, I have known these ladies the longest of any of my other friends. . . We are so much more than just online friends.
After Facebook came along, a lot of us moved over there, still following each other's achievements and cooing like proud Mamas when one of our children did something amazing. Not everyone moved to Facebook, though, and so some of us lost touch. I can't speak for others, but I have thought about these women pretty much every day.
I received a phone call yesterday from an MLer I haven't heard from in a while. I met her in Disney a few years ago, so when I saw her pop up on my Caller ID yesterday, I was excited, hoping it was her telling me they were planning another family vacation (secretly hoping I'd be able to crash it).
"Hello?" I answered, quickly and excitedly.
"CGM?" said a tentative voice.
"HRH! Hi! How are you? I can't believe how long it's been!" I babbled.
"I'm OK. I'm actually calling with. . . Um. . . S died yesterday. She had a heart attack."
I nearly dropped the phone. I'm friends with S on Facebook. Just 2 days before this phone call, she was posting about the pool she loves to take her kids to. She just started a new business with Rodan & Fields. What was this I was hearing?? It made no sense.
HRH told me she hated to go, but she'd call me back, another MLer was calling her and hung up and I just looked at my phone in shock, thinking this had to be a sick, cruel joke.
S was 8 years older than me, with a 14 year old son and an 8 year old daughter. She had the sunniest personality I've ever seen. Always a smile, a laugh and a kind word. My heart hurts for her husband and her sweet children. I wish there were more I can do than just offer words.
I just stared at my phone and said, "OMG" over and over again, until it rang again and it was HRH.
She apologized for having to run and I told her, "It's OK. I'm in shock. I can't believe it."
"I know. S's father-in-law was going through her phone contacts and that's how I found out. Unless someone stole her phone and is playing a very cruel trick, it's true."
We spent a few minutes reminiscing and catching up, both of us saying we can't let time go like this again.
Most of us haven't been on our old message board in years, but we all reconvened last night. It reminded me of all of those movies where someone dies and all of their friends who lost track are brought back together to grieve. Why does it take a death to bring people together? We never should have lost touch and it kills me that we are now in touch again because we all lost such a sweet, kind friend.
Sometimes, in order to make shocking news feel more real, you need to say it out loud. So, I did. I told my parents.
"How did you know her?" my Dad asked.
Saying through the internet or a message board just doesn't convey our friendship, because it was so much more than that. The only one who truly gets how deep we run is The Doctor, because he was there in the beginning. This Mommy Board was so much more than just a chat room. It was a support group, a place to laugh and cry. They are my friends and it hurts that we lost one so young. Too soon.
RIP Susan. You will always be in my heart and on my mind and ML will not be the same without you.
This message board, ML, was a life saver. I was still in MI, The Doctor and I were blissfully married and I was excited to be a new Mommy, but I was alone. I had no friends with newborns, my family was in FL and The Doctor was working resident hours. I turned to these ladies for everything. Our friendship blossomed from just strangers on a message board to real friends. Not all of us have had the opportunity to meet each other, but we all knew what was going on with each other. We got it. When one was having a problem with breast feeding, or tantrums, or sleepless nights, or scared to be adding a second, we were there. We used to say how nice it would be if we could develop a tube system so if one of us was out of peanut butter, another could just stick her extra jar in the tube. We joked about starting a commune, where we all raised each others kids.
Through the years, we got to know one another more. We were there for births of our babies, divorces, remarriages, and sadly deaths of loved ones. We were a support like no other and save for my sister from another mister, I have known these ladies the longest of any of my other friends. . . We are so much more than just online friends.
After Facebook came along, a lot of us moved over there, still following each other's achievements and cooing like proud Mamas when one of our children did something amazing. Not everyone moved to Facebook, though, and so some of us lost touch. I can't speak for others, but I have thought about these women pretty much every day.
I received a phone call yesterday from an MLer I haven't heard from in a while. I met her in Disney a few years ago, so when I saw her pop up on my Caller ID yesterday, I was excited, hoping it was her telling me they were planning another family vacation (secretly hoping I'd be able to crash it).
"Hello?" I answered, quickly and excitedly.
"CGM?" said a tentative voice.
"HRH! Hi! How are you? I can't believe how long it's been!" I babbled.
"I'm OK. I'm actually calling with. . . Um. . . S died yesterday. She had a heart attack."
I nearly dropped the phone. I'm friends with S on Facebook. Just 2 days before this phone call, she was posting about the pool she loves to take her kids to. She just started a new business with Rodan & Fields. What was this I was hearing?? It made no sense.
HRH told me she hated to go, but she'd call me back, another MLer was calling her and hung up and I just looked at my phone in shock, thinking this had to be a sick, cruel joke.
S was 8 years older than me, with a 14 year old son and an 8 year old daughter. She had the sunniest personality I've ever seen. Always a smile, a laugh and a kind word. My heart hurts for her husband and her sweet children. I wish there were more I can do than just offer words.
I just stared at my phone and said, "OMG" over and over again, until it rang again and it was HRH.
She apologized for having to run and I told her, "It's OK. I'm in shock. I can't believe it."
"I know. S's father-in-law was going through her phone contacts and that's how I found out. Unless someone stole her phone and is playing a very cruel trick, it's true."
We spent a few minutes reminiscing and catching up, both of us saying we can't let time go like this again.
Most of us haven't been on our old message board in years, but we all reconvened last night. It reminded me of all of those movies where someone dies and all of their friends who lost track are brought back together to grieve. Why does it take a death to bring people together? We never should have lost touch and it kills me that we are now in touch again because we all lost such a sweet, kind friend.
Sometimes, in order to make shocking news feel more real, you need to say it out loud. So, I did. I told my parents.
"How did you know her?" my Dad asked.
Saying through the internet or a message board just doesn't convey our friendship, because it was so much more than that. The only one who truly gets how deep we run is The Doctor, because he was there in the beginning. This Mommy Board was so much more than just a chat room. It was a support group, a place to laugh and cry. They are my friends and it hurts that we lost one so young. Too soon.
RIP Susan. You will always be in my heart and on my mind and ML will not be the same without you.
Wednesday, May 2, 2018
Be the Happy: Goal Accomplished!
Back in December, I blogged about my main goal for 2018. You can find that wonderfully written piece here: http://3curlygirlies.blogspot.com/2017/12/2018-year-of-me.html
In a brief summary: I bumped into a teacher, who I'm now honored to call my friend, at L's school and I mentioned to her how I loved how she was always happy. She radiates happiness and joy and she replied with a very serious look, "Life is too short for anything but." I mulled that over for a few weeks and decided 2018 was going to be my year of happy. I set 3 goals for myself:
1) Laugh more
2) Yell Less
3) Try to find joy in everything
My hope was by the time 2018 closes, someone would tell me they love how happy I always am.
I didn't really put too much thought into accomplishing these goals, I just went about my business as usual. I found myself smiling more, especially at strangers and I found myself empathizing with people more. I've always been friendly, but with a distance. Suddenly, I found myself striking up conversations with fellow Target shoppers about products, and once I offered to help a young, new Mom who was looking flustered with her crying baby and shopping cart. She thanked me but declined and I walked away feeling really good about myself. I saw myself talking to sales associates as though they were friends, and it made a difference in my shopping experience and most likely their day. I started laughing more and yelling less.
I found the joy. I feel happy. Even with all the stress going on in my life, I am still happy. I'm so sad about moving, but I'm still happy. Instead of looking at it as moving to a place where we only know a small handful of people, and the majority of those are family, I told the girlies we need to look at it as we are moving to a place where we have friends, we just haven't met them yet.
A few weeks ago, my Mom was in the car with me as we were coming back into her gated community. I handed my license to the guard and said, "Hi Terri! How are you today?" Terri answered and we had a brief conversation about her day so far, before I said, "Well, I hope it goes by quickly. I'll see you later!"
My Mom started laughing and said, "How do you know her name?"
"Because I asked after the third time I came through and she was there," I answered, thinking it was obvious.
"Do you know all the guards?" she asked me.
"At this particular gate, I do," I said.
"Do you talk to all of them?"
"Yes, I do," I said. "They are people too and since I'm going to be seeing them quite often, I figured I'd get to know them."
My Mom told me I should watch the movie "Dear Heart" which is about a single woman, Evie Jackson, who makes it a point of talking to everyone like they are a friend (though instead of asking for a name, she would say, "She looks like a Gertrude. Hi Gertrude!") The movie was just OK, but I absolutely loved Evie. I've found when I treat everyone as though we are already friends, every situation becomes a happier one. Even the most tedious tasks become more fun.
A change in attitude changes everything! I mean sure, we all know this, but sometimes it's very tough to implement it. When your day is going wrong from the get go, sometimes it's easier to give in to that than it is to attempt to change it. One of the inspirational quotes the Curly Girlies found in their lunch boxes a few weeks ago was "A bad attitude is like a flat tire, you won't get anywhere until you change it." It's so true. The world is a brighter, sunnier, happier place when you open your eyes and your heart.
Today, I was standing in line at Bed Bath and Beyond waiting to pay. I was called to the next cashier and walked up to his station. When I started unloading my cart, I asked, "Hello, how are you today?"
"Fine," he replied. "Are you from [our state]?"
"Yes, I am," I said. "Why?"
I thought maybe he was going to say I sounded like I was from out of town.
"Because you radiate such joy, happiness, and positivity and I don't see that often here," he explained.
My face lit up and I gushed, "Oh my! Thank you so much! You have no idea how much of a compliment this is to me!"
He smiled and said, "Well, it's true."
I explained to him about the goal I set for myself.
"I feel so accomplished knowing I made my goal!" I said excitedly.
He finished ringing me up, held up his hand and said, "Well, that deserves a high 5! Setting and accomplishing goals is huge!" We high fived, I blushed and floated out of there so pleased that without even realizing it, I somehow changed.
I have been saying after we move, I am going to the Mrs. G of L's school. I mean, I'm not going to teach, but personality wise I want to be Mrs. G. After today, I know that will be the case because a perfect stranger sees the joy and happiness I am now emitting.
This afternoon I was wandering around Target and found an iced coffee cup with "Some people pursue happiness, others create it" written on it. I used to look for happiness and I only rarely found it but now I create happiness and put it out there for others to find. Being happy is certainly a lot more fun!
In a brief summary: I bumped into a teacher, who I'm now honored to call my friend, at L's school and I mentioned to her how I loved how she was always happy. She radiates happiness and joy and she replied with a very serious look, "Life is too short for anything but." I mulled that over for a few weeks and decided 2018 was going to be my year of happy. I set 3 goals for myself:
1) Laugh more
2) Yell Less
3) Try to find joy in everything
My hope was by the time 2018 closes, someone would tell me they love how happy I always am.
I didn't really put too much thought into accomplishing these goals, I just went about my business as usual. I found myself smiling more, especially at strangers and I found myself empathizing with people more. I've always been friendly, but with a distance. Suddenly, I found myself striking up conversations with fellow Target shoppers about products, and once I offered to help a young, new Mom who was looking flustered with her crying baby and shopping cart. She thanked me but declined and I walked away feeling really good about myself. I saw myself talking to sales associates as though they were friends, and it made a difference in my shopping experience and most likely their day. I started laughing more and yelling less.
I found the joy. I feel happy. Even with all the stress going on in my life, I am still happy. I'm so sad about moving, but I'm still happy. Instead of looking at it as moving to a place where we only know a small handful of people, and the majority of those are family, I told the girlies we need to look at it as we are moving to a place where we have friends, we just haven't met them yet.
A few weeks ago, my Mom was in the car with me as we were coming back into her gated community. I handed my license to the guard and said, "Hi Terri! How are you today?" Terri answered and we had a brief conversation about her day so far, before I said, "Well, I hope it goes by quickly. I'll see you later!"
My Mom started laughing and said, "How do you know her name?"
"Because I asked after the third time I came through and she was there," I answered, thinking it was obvious.
"Do you know all the guards?" she asked me.
"At this particular gate, I do," I said.
"Do you talk to all of them?"
"Yes, I do," I said. "They are people too and since I'm going to be seeing them quite often, I figured I'd get to know them."
My Mom told me I should watch the movie "Dear Heart" which is about a single woman, Evie Jackson, who makes it a point of talking to everyone like they are a friend (though instead of asking for a name, she would say, "She looks like a Gertrude. Hi Gertrude!") The movie was just OK, but I absolutely loved Evie. I've found when I treat everyone as though we are already friends, every situation becomes a happier one. Even the most tedious tasks become more fun.
A change in attitude changes everything! I mean sure, we all know this, but sometimes it's very tough to implement it. When your day is going wrong from the get go, sometimes it's easier to give in to that than it is to attempt to change it. One of the inspirational quotes the Curly Girlies found in their lunch boxes a few weeks ago was "A bad attitude is like a flat tire, you won't get anywhere until you change it." It's so true. The world is a brighter, sunnier, happier place when you open your eyes and your heart.
Today, I was standing in line at Bed Bath and Beyond waiting to pay. I was called to the next cashier and walked up to his station. When I started unloading my cart, I asked, "Hello, how are you today?"
"Fine," he replied. "Are you from [our state]?"
"Yes, I am," I said. "Why?"
I thought maybe he was going to say I sounded like I was from out of town.
"Because you radiate such joy, happiness, and positivity and I don't see that often here," he explained.
My face lit up and I gushed, "Oh my! Thank you so much! You have no idea how much of a compliment this is to me!"
He smiled and said, "Well, it's true."
I explained to him about the goal I set for myself.
"I feel so accomplished knowing I made my goal!" I said excitedly.
He finished ringing me up, held up his hand and said, "Well, that deserves a high 5! Setting and accomplishing goals is huge!" We high fived, I blushed and floated out of there so pleased that without even realizing it, I somehow changed.
I have been saying after we move, I am going to the Mrs. G of L's school. I mean, I'm not going to teach, but personality wise I want to be Mrs. G. After today, I know that will be the case because a perfect stranger sees the joy and happiness I am now emitting.
This afternoon I was wandering around Target and found an iced coffee cup with "Some people pursue happiness, others create it" written on it. I used to look for happiness and I only rarely found it but now I create happiness and put it out there for others to find. Being happy is certainly a lot more fun!
Monday, April 30, 2018
That Dreaded Testing Time
Life with The Curly Girly Trio has been quite hectic. We have moved in with my parents while The Doctor is settled in with his Dad and we are in limbo until the house situation works itself out. Life goes on and with that comes the state standardized tests. I'm sure most states have them and unless your child attends private school in which they can be opted out, you've seen your kids prep and fret and fret and prep. And for what? For a silly test the state feels is a good indicator at how well the school is performing. It's utterly ludicrous that the grade of the school lies in the hands of a bunch of nervous kids. Kids who have been told their livelihood in school depends on how they do on these tests. I fully know that most teachers don't tell that to their students, but they are hearing it somewhere and it makes them nervous all the same.
I don't know anyone who likes these tests. I'm friends with a lot teachers and all of them complain. I'm friends with a lot of parents and all of them complain too. I often say if the state wants to see how a school is performing, give the kids an end of the year test at the beginning of the year, and the same test at the end of the year and compare the results, but that's too easy for the wonderful non educator politicians running our state.
I can complain all I want, but that isn't going to change the fact that both B and M have these dreaded tests tomorrow. M has the second day of the English Language Arts and B has the all comprehensive science test. It has questions from 6-8 grade science and while one would hope the kids would have remembered pertinent information from 6th, 7th, and the beginning and middle of 8th grades, lets face it, most of these kids can't remember to do their chores or turn in their homework.
I picked up B from school this afternoon and the first thing she asked me was, "What's for dinner?"
"Salmon, rice, some kind of veggie and a salad," I replied.
"I'm supposed to carb load. Can we please have pasta?" she asked.
"Carb load??" I asked, incredulously. "Are you running a marathon?"
"Mommy! Mr. F says it's important to carb load before a big test!" she exclaimed, highly offended. "But fine, if you want me to fail the big test, that's OK with me!"
"Uh. . . It's important to carb load before a big race. It's important to get rest and eat a healthy breakfast before a big test," I explained, as patiently as I could.
"You don't understand!! Mr. F did a study and found that when you eat a lot of carbs the night before a big test it keeps your brain going during the test! But I get it. You want me to fail. That's OK. I won't score well, I won't get into the bioengineering program at the high school* next year and that will set me up for failure for everything else!" she huffed.
I was really baffled. I tried not to laugh and to keep my voice steady.
"B, whether or not you get into the bioengineering program, if we are even in an area zoned for that school, doesn't set up the rest of your life. It's 9th grade. You have the rest of high school, college, and medical school and I guarantee you, whether or not you were in a bioengineering program in high school won't determine whether you get into college and medical school."
She muttered a little bit more about how it was fine if I wanted her to fail so I tried explaining again what these tests are for.
"B, listen to me. Your score doesn't determine whether or not you move on to 9th grade and beyond. Getting a low score isn't enough to hold you back; there's a process to go through if you don't do well. You have taken so many of these tests in your life as a student, not once did you carb load and you did well every single time. I really don't think carb loading is the answer. Remember, these tests determine the grade of the school, so everyone at the school is trying to get you students pumped up to do well. You just need to relax. Along with carb loading, did Mr. F give you a study guide or anything of value to help you study?"
"Yes," she replied with an eye roll and a snotty tone.
"Well, good, then instead of carb loading, why don't you load your brain with that information?"
"I'm going to look up what you're supposed to eat before a big test when we get home. Actually, can I just use your phone?" said while grabbing my phone.
She was quiet for a few minutes and I took that time to enjoy the peacefulness.
"It says here you are supposed to eat a lot of carbs the night before running a race," B read.
"Hmm. . . really?" I replied. At this point we were sitting in the car in front of the house. I turned off the car. "Can you please look up the rest once we're inside?"
"Hold on," she answered. "It says here before a big test you should eat high protein and foods with fatty acids and fruits and veggies."
"Mm hmm," I replied nonchalantly, opening the trunk so she could retrieve her backpack and trumpet.
"I guess the salmon and veggies for dinner is OK after all," she concluded, with a smile.
"Well, what do you know?" I said as we walked toward the house. (That's Mom Speak for "Told you so!!!")
Add another tick to all the times Mom was right!
* We haven't yet determined where exactly we will be next year, but one of the high schools has a bioengineering track that B is very excited about.
I don't know anyone who likes these tests. I'm friends with a lot teachers and all of them complain. I'm friends with a lot of parents and all of them complain too. I often say if the state wants to see how a school is performing, give the kids an end of the year test at the beginning of the year, and the same test at the end of the year and compare the results, but that's too easy for the wonderful non educator politicians running our state.
I can complain all I want, but that isn't going to change the fact that both B and M have these dreaded tests tomorrow. M has the second day of the English Language Arts and B has the all comprehensive science test. It has questions from 6-8 grade science and while one would hope the kids would have remembered pertinent information from 6th, 7th, and the beginning and middle of 8th grades, lets face it, most of these kids can't remember to do their chores or turn in their homework.
I picked up B from school this afternoon and the first thing she asked me was, "What's for dinner?"
"Salmon, rice, some kind of veggie and a salad," I replied.
"I'm supposed to carb load. Can we please have pasta?" she asked.
"Carb load??" I asked, incredulously. "Are you running a marathon?"
"Mommy! Mr. F says it's important to carb load before a big test!" she exclaimed, highly offended. "But fine, if you want me to fail the big test, that's OK with me!"
"Uh. . . It's important to carb load before a big race. It's important to get rest and eat a healthy breakfast before a big test," I explained, as patiently as I could.
"You don't understand!! Mr. F did a study and found that when you eat a lot of carbs the night before a big test it keeps your brain going during the test! But I get it. You want me to fail. That's OK. I won't score well, I won't get into the bioengineering program at the high school* next year and that will set me up for failure for everything else!" she huffed.
I was really baffled. I tried not to laugh and to keep my voice steady.
"B, whether or not you get into the bioengineering program, if we are even in an area zoned for that school, doesn't set up the rest of your life. It's 9th grade. You have the rest of high school, college, and medical school and I guarantee you, whether or not you were in a bioengineering program in high school won't determine whether you get into college and medical school."
She muttered a little bit more about how it was fine if I wanted her to fail so I tried explaining again what these tests are for.
"B, listen to me. Your score doesn't determine whether or not you move on to 9th grade and beyond. Getting a low score isn't enough to hold you back; there's a process to go through if you don't do well. You have taken so many of these tests in your life as a student, not once did you carb load and you did well every single time. I really don't think carb loading is the answer. Remember, these tests determine the grade of the school, so everyone at the school is trying to get you students pumped up to do well. You just need to relax. Along with carb loading, did Mr. F give you a study guide or anything of value to help you study?"
"Yes," she replied with an eye roll and a snotty tone.
"Well, good, then instead of carb loading, why don't you load your brain with that information?"
"I'm going to look up what you're supposed to eat before a big test when we get home. Actually, can I just use your phone?" said while grabbing my phone.
She was quiet for a few minutes and I took that time to enjoy the peacefulness.
"It says here you are supposed to eat a lot of carbs the night before running a race," B read.
"Hmm. . . really?" I replied. At this point we were sitting in the car in front of the house. I turned off the car. "Can you please look up the rest once we're inside?"
"Hold on," she answered. "It says here before a big test you should eat high protein and foods with fatty acids and fruits and veggies."
"Mm hmm," I replied nonchalantly, opening the trunk so she could retrieve her backpack and trumpet.
"I guess the salmon and veggies for dinner is OK after all," she concluded, with a smile.
"Well, what do you know?" I said as we walked toward the house. (That's Mom Speak for "Told you so!!!")
Add another tick to all the times Mom was right!
* We haven't yet determined where exactly we will be next year, but one of the high schools has a bioengineering track that B is very excited about.
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