2018 started with a rocky start. The Doctor was laid off towards the end of 2017 and we weren't sure what 2018 had in store for us. He interviewed for a job several hundred miles away and I'll never forget how I was out to lunch with one of my soul sisters in the very beginning of January when I got the phone call from The Doctor that he was on his way home with a contract in hand.
"You aren't really going to move to O, are you?" S asked with tears in her eyes.
"I don't know," I replied. "I mean they loved him, but he has a few more interviews for jobs down here."
We all know how that turned out and while the big move was the scariest thing we did in 2018, it was also probably the best thing we did. It threw all of my plans into a spin, though. I didn't really get to do the organizational challenge I wanted to do. My No Yelling challenge went out the window and my running and better eating became virtually nonexistent. For about 5 months everything was up in the air and we were displaced. The one thing I was able to do was try to be a more joyful and happy person, so it wasn't all a loss, but for a few months it felt like that was a lost cause too.
A few weeks ago we were out to dinner with the entire family and M and L were bickering. I raised my voice and brother-in-law turned to me and said, "Time to reset your counter, CGM. That's ok, the end of the year is coming and you'll be writing about how this is the year you are going to stop yelling for good." I laughed and replied, "You know me so well!"
Since that night I've been doing a lot of thinking and I've figured out why every year starts off the same for me. I look at the new year as a fresh start. I can do whatever I want to try to become a better person. I think I'm a pretty great wife, Mom, and person, but I also think there is always room for improvement. Instead of making resolutions, I'm going to set goals and hopefully this will be the year they stick.
I looked back on my late 2017 blog posts and vaguely remember writing them. At the time, moving wasn't a certainty and I was focused on being happier. Over all, I'd say I am happier now than I was then, so that's a win. However, yelling less, running more, and eating healthier didn't happen.
Sometimes I wish I could be the type of person who looks at me right now and says, "This is me. I'm good with how I am right now." That's not me, though. Is it because I'm a perfectionist and I feel that there is a more perfect version of myself to be had? I hope not because if that's the case, I'm always going to feel like I've come up short and that certainly isn't a key to being happy.
I think my goals need to be that I at least try. Like I always tell the girls when it comes to their schoolwork, "I'll always be proud of you if you at least try, even if it doesn't always work out."
My "I'll Try" list for 2019:
I will try to not yell as much
I will try to make my life more organized
I will try to fit in more exercise and more water
I will try to be happy with the person I see looking back at me when I look in the mirror
I will try to write more often
Come to think of it, I've also been known to quote Yoda to the girls when I feel like the words "I'll try" are an excuse ("I'll try to remember to clean my room/do my chores/listen to you") but thankfully I'm not a Jedi so in my case, it's "Do or Do Not, as long as you try".
