I've been toying with this blog entry for a few days now and as I was getting ready to type it out I noticed my previous post negates this one, but in this case goodbye isn't forever, so the title stands.
As previously blogged, The Doctor moved to our new location 4 months ago. The Curly Girly Trio and I have been living with my parents, seeing The Doctor, on average, every other week. It hasn't been easy, but we knew the end was in sight.
The end for M and me is tomorrow! We are driving up with a carload of stuff (it's amazing how much we accumulated in 4 months, though I think it's just we didn't pack light enough when we first moved in), including M's gerbil, Oreo. We are going up early because we are accompanying The Doctor on a business trip. B and L are staying with my parents and they'll drive them up next Sunday. I have so many emotions running around in my head, it's hard to know what to feel.
Excited: I am super excited for our new adventure! The schools the curly girlies will be in are fantastic, we are moving into a lovely neighborhood, we will be closer to The Doctor's family, we are moving to a place where there is so much more to do.
Scared: I am scared because change is scary. What If's keep rolling around my brain and while I'm trying to squelch them, it's not the easiest thing. What if the girls hate school? What if they have a hard time making friends? What if I have a hard time making friends? What if I end up not loving the house?
Sad: I am so, so sad. I have lived near my parents for the last 12 years. We have had dinner with them every Sunday night for the last 12 years. My Mom and I have met for lunch and shopping on a whims notice. My Dad has come for dinner every Wednesday for the last 3 years. We have gone to countless hockey games and movies with my Dad. I am going to miss all of this so much. We are still going to see them, but it won't be the same. I won't ever pull into the Target parking lot and see my Mom's car and feel happy that I'm going to bump into her. It's sad.
I'm sad because I'm going to miss my friends. I have great friends. Seeing them at school, bumping into them in stores, going out for breakfasts and lunches, stopping by for impromptu visits. I am going to miss my very favorite bagel place and the wonderful owners, servers, and staff, all whom have become friends. I'm going to miss the bagels, but I'm going to miss the friends more.
I'm sad because the girls are leaving their friends. I know it's not easy for them, especially when they figured they'd be going to school with them forever. B and M have phones and B is on 2 social media platforms. I think I must be the only parent in the universe to tell my child to go on to social media because it still doesn't occur to her to do so and I really do feel that's going to be a good way to keep in touch with everyone. She and M text and FaceTime, but truthfully B is the worst at returning text messages and I am worried she's going to lose contact. I keep telling her she has to make an effort and she says she will, but she'd rather walk around the dining room table with her earbuds in, zoned out, than text.
L has an iPod and has exchanged her Apple ID with a bunch of her friends, so she's able to text and FaceTime, but not all of her friends have iPods so the only way to keep in touch is through the Moms.
We said our goodbyes this week and it hurts me because we weren't able to see everyone we wanted too. I made sure B and M had time with their best friends and sadly because of that L got pushed to the side and she pointed out to me this morning she didn't get to see her 2 best friends. She saw them in the last few months, but I know it's not the same.
The Doctor says I'm making too big a deal of this and I know he's right. In front of the girls I am keeping an upbeat attitude. I am telling them this is an amazing adventure we are about to embark on. We have so many friends we haven't met yet. This is going to be great!
In private I am teary eyed and sad. Saying goodbye is so hard. Today we had our last hair appointments with my super amazing stylist. She's been doing my hair for years and she is just awesome. Saying goodbye to her was so hard, but I told her if I can't find anyone as good in our new area, I'm coming back every 6 weeks.
For the past 12 years, my Mom's housekeeper has been our housekeeper. She was my Mom's housekeeper when I was in high school, so she's truly seen me blossom from messy teen to tidy Mom. She has watched my girls grow up. She isn't just a housekeeper, she's family. We said goodbye to her this morning and all of us cried. Sure, we'll see her when we come for visits during school breaks and we are visiting during the week, but it won't be the same at all.
I think I need to let myself be sad. I always tell people who are sad because of something or someone they've lost that they need to have time to grieve. I actually told that to my Mom a few months ago when we were talking about my leaving. I told her I grieved already, but much like the grieving process, it's fluid and stages can come and go at any time. It sounds funny saying I'm grieving because of a move, but it's just the fact that I'm losing the life we've made for ourselves down here.
Looking back, I can see I've gone through all the stages of DABDA except for acceptance. Up until even last week I kept thinking perhaps we will end up not moving, but I know that's not realistic because The Doctor is 4 months into his new job and he loves it (and they love him).
The Doctor says I have dragged this out for way too long and I can see how he has a point. Waiting until the very last minute before I have to be up there might not have been the best idea. I was putting off the inevitable but I wasn't doing any mental work to prepare myself for the actual move. In putting it off, all I've done is make it harder on myself.
I had breakfast today with a wonderful friend (at my favorite breakfast place). E is phenomenal because she is so levelheaded and always says exactly the right thing. I was telling her how I felt and she pointed out that this is the best possible thing for our family. She told me I am going to love unpacking and setting up our new house the way I want it, and I know she's right. I am almost certain a month or 2 into our new home, we are going to feel like this is how it's always been.
I have already been through denial, anger, and bargaining (I actually told The Doctor, "If we move, we are getting a dog" because I've always said no dog until L goes to college. At the time, I figured if I said it, we wouldn't move. I am now making good on my bargain and have been researching the perfect dog for us.); I've felt depression and now I have got to get to acceptance. I have told the girls repeatedly that our attitudes will dictate how this change turns out for us. If we are sad and refusing to let go of the past, this will be awful. If we are excited for the change and embrace all the newness with open arms, this will end up being an amazing experience.
We are moving. It will be different, but it will be wonderful. We will still see our friends and my parents and our lives will be better for this. I guess this is my new mantra until it becomes my reality.
