A Blink of an Eye

I remember, on the last day of 6th grade I told the Mom who drove our after school car pool that the year flew by. 

"Just wait," she said. "If you think time flew by fast this year, just wait.  With every passing year, time goes by even quicker."

Every once in a while, I think about that statement and never before has it felt so true.

B is 14 and somewhere between her birthday and last night it occurred to me that she is going off to college in 4 years.  4 years!! When she was a baby, 4 years felt like a lifetime, now it feels like a blink.

B is every bit a teenager.  She has an attitude, she wears makeup, and her EarPods seem to be permanently glued to her ears.  I look at her and I see this mixture of teenager and little girl.  Is that how my parents saw me when I was a teenager? We have these amazing conversations, and sometimes I think to myself, "How is my little girl able to converse like this?" 

How does 14 years feel like no time?  I think back to when she was a baby and I couldn't fathom life with her 14 years down the road.  Now we are here, and it feels like her babyhood was just yesterday. 

Have you heard the song Better Place, by Rachel Platten? That's my ringtone for B because she made my world a better place 14 years ago.  It doesn't matter where I am, whenever I hear the song (even just as my ringtone) I tear up. It always makes me think back to when B was baby and I start to think: did I squander away time?  Did I really try to enjoy each moment?  Have I given enough of myself to her?  When she's a Mom, will she have happy stories to tell her kids about her childhood?  

I find it so annoying to have to remind her to do her homework every day and to put away her things, yet I know in 4 years, I'm going to miss reminding her to do her homework every day and put away her things.  I'm going to miss the attitude I get when I remind her to do her homework (it doesn't always seem like it, but I know the first day of college, when she's not here for me to remind her, I'm going to cry).  I want these last 4 years to be filled with more love and less annoyance. 

I remember when I was little, I read an article in People Magazine about this little girl who would never grow past the infant stage.  At the age of 10, I think, she still looked like a one year old.  She couldn't talk or walk, yet she still went to school.  I read the article and I was fascinated.

"I would love that!" I exclaimed to my Mom.

"No, you wouldn't," she replied. "My heart breaks for that Mom."

"Why?" I asked, baffled.  To me, having an eternal baby seemed like such an awesome thing.

"Every mother dreams to watch their children grow up," my Mom explained. "They want to see where life will take them."

I didn't get it then, but I get it now.  I have so enjoyed watching B grow up.  I have loved watching her sense of humor evolve and I've loved watching her love of learning grow.  

Every once in a while, when we are walking out and about, B will come up and slip her hand in mine.  I always give it 3 squeezes and my heart squeezes a little bit each time too.  How lucky am I that my teenager still wants to hold my hand?  Just as quickly as she slips her hand in, she pulls it out and my heart breaks a little.

Every night, she gets into bed and waits for us to come tuck her in.  A few weeks ago, I pointed out to The Doctor that when I was 14, I tucked myself in.  

"Maybe it's time for B to start tucking in herself," he said.

"No, way!" I replied. "She is 14 and she still wants her parents to come in and say good night to her.  I'll do that every night until she tells me to stop." 

We looked at each other and we both jumped up to run in and give her her good night kisses.

Last night, as I was tucking her in, I said, "B, I hope you know how much I love tucking you in at night."

"I know," she replied.  "I love it too and when I'm older, wherever I am, I'll call you every night and ask you to come tuck me in." I hid the tears in my eyes by smothering my face in her hair and kissing her.  I left her room thinking how I need to cherish every night for the next 4 years, because it's going to go by faster than I know it.

The Saddest Day of Winter Break

I'm sitting here getting ready to write about how sad I am break is over and behind me I can hear M and L fighting. . . again.  2 weeks is a long time for togetherness, especially for people who live together. 3 girls with attitudes who all "mother" the other and complain they are being mothered. 3 girls who insist they each have a spot on the couch, and it's the exact same spot. 3 girls who all have Science Fair projects due the week school starts again and none of whom have started (well, finally 2 are almost finished).  It's enough to drive any mother to the brink of insanity and yet here I sit lamenting that tomorrow school starts up again.

I know most parents can't wait for their kids to go back to school.  I was telling my Mom how I feel about school starting again and she said, "Are you kidding?? I couldn't wait for school to start up again!" I know most of my friends cannot wait to send their kids back, and yet I hate it.  It's not because I love being around my girls more, honestly, it's really just sheer laziness on my part.

I love the days that don't have the morning rush.  You know, the jumping out of bed at 6:45 because you slept through alarm again.  The rushing to make sure the girls are up and prodding them to "hurry up and get dressed!" "If you don't eat breakfast now, you're not eating!" "The neighbor will be here in 5 minutes and you shoes still aren't on!" "You want to go to school with your hair looking like a rat's nest? Whatever."

I love the afternoons where we don't have "Homework Wars".  You know, the cajoling of everyone to "please, just sit down and do your homework!" "No, you cannot have yet another snack, you can do your homework." "No, we cannot put on the TV, now do your homework!" "Well, of course you're distracted.  What do you expect when you do your homework while sitting on the couch in the middle of the busiest room in the house? Go use your desk we bought for you!" "Pacing again?? Is your homework complete? No? Want to see Mommy go insane, because I'm getting pretty close to that.  Go do your homework!!"

I love the nights that I don't have to make lunch.  I have a wonderful lunch schedule.  It's 8 weeks worth of meals and it pretty much takes all of the thinking out of planning lunch and yet it's still such a loathsome chore.  I have friends who tell me their kids make their own lunches; they have baskets set up in the pantry and the fridge and the kids grab what they want and put it into a bag. I don't do that because I think it still requires a lot of prep.  The girls never tell me when we are on the last few of anything and I know 8:00 at night is when they'd tell me we are out of whatever lunchy item or items they need.  Also, as much as I hate making them, I know my lunches are healthier than anything the girls would take, especially when I see M's lunch box every afternoon is missing the snack, but her entree isn't touched at all and her fruit/veggie is only partially eaten.

Breaks aren't all easy, of course.  The girls fight incessantly, they don't listen, we are off schedule, there are no bedtimes, which makes for some very Surly Curly Girlies,  the house usually ends up messy (but not this break!!!), I end up behind on laundry (not really different from when we aren't on break, if I'm being honest) but still, I love these days more than the stress filled school ones.

The girls go back tomorrow and that's when my countdown to Spring Break begins: 11 weeks!