Something happened this afternoon that is eating at me. Because I use this blog as my (very open) diary, it's going down here. Writing about this will make me feel better.
Backstory: Back in December, an activity was going to take place in the classroom that The Doctor and I didn't want L to be a part of. We were worried that she would spill the beans on a certain secret and didn't want repercussions of that. We asked for another assignment to be given to her and mentioned we would keep her home the day of the actual activity. Instead, the principal cancelled the entire activity.
As you can imagination, this caused all sorts of backlash and word got out that I was behind the cancelling of the activity. When I found out that people were mad at me, I figured I would stand up and tell them what we actually asked for, trying to disband the rumor. Instead, it was like adding water to a flaming pan.
One person I thought was my friend was so very angry and she said things to me about who I am as a person and a parent that hurt my inner core. I didn't say anything to defend myself because (1) if I did, I would have started crying and (2) she was so angry, there was no reasoning with her.
A few weeks after this, she was back to acting like everything was normal between us, but I know it wasn't. How can someone be my friend and think so little of me? She can't. I haven't said anything to her regarding my feelings and instead have been friendly back. I'd rather not kiss her cheek when I see her, I'd rather not say more than a few words to her and I certainly do not want to have conversations with her, and yet I do because faking it is so much easier. We see each other all the time at school events and all of our friends are the same, it would make for a very uncomfortable situation if we were real with each other.
Skip to today: For the last 2 weeks of school, each class does something called "Spotlight Reader" where each child reads a picture book to their class and hands out a little toy or something to go with it. The kids love it and it's a fun way to end the year. When I picked up L, she told me Spotlight Reader has been cancelled.
"Why?," I asked her.
"I don't know," she replied. "Ms. Teacher just said it was."
"Well, did she give a reason? Is it just your class?," I pressed.
"I DON'T KNOW," said L emphatically. "Only the adults know!"
I walked into the office and the first person I saw was my "friend". Her daughter is in the same grade as L, so I figured I would ask her. My reasoning was if her daughter's class was still doing it, I'd know it was a class reason, not a school reason.
"Did you hear that Spotlight Reader has been cancelled?," I asked.
"Yes," she said.
"Did you hear why?"
She told me it was because a child called the school saying that because the kids were not allowed to choose violent or religious books, it was discriminatory.
"Wow," I said. "That's unbelievable!"
"Really?," "Friend" scoffed, looking up from what she was doing. "You, out of all people, are shocked about this? Parents call the school to complain all the time and activities always get cancelled because of it." All of this was said with her looking me straight in the eye.
I thanked her and walked out.
Now, I could have said to her, "Look, you, for the last time, I DID NOT ask for that activity to be cancelled. I offered to have L stay home that day. All I wanted was a similar activity for her at another time."
I didn't though.
I knew my hunch was correct in thinking she still feels about me the way she does. Why does she continue to act like we are friends? We clearly aren't (again, my true friends think higher of me than this woman obviously does). Why do I continue to let her act like my friend? It is perfectly OK to not like everyone and it's perfectly OK for everyone not to like me (although, let's face it, I'm a pretty awesome person, so I don't know why someone wouldn't!).
When I see her next time, do I continue to be fake, or do I let my true colors show? Fake for peace or be real and have ice?
To be continued. . .
